LOSS OF IDENTITY

03 Apr LOSS OF IDENTITY

Posted at 12:28h in Blog by Amanda Dounis

LOSS OF IDENTITY: Have you ever felt like you have lost your self identity? It happens. But there is help to get yourself on track too. Listen to this conversation between two experts Amanda Dounis and Toni Langford.

Disclaimer: this transcript has been modified to make more sense for the reader and is as true and genuine as possible.

Codes are used to indicate speaker:

A = Amanda

T = Toni

So here is the transcript:

And a warm welcome to today’s listeners. Allow me to introduce myself as the host of Today’s episode.

My name is Amanda Dounis and I am the founder of the positive thinking clinic located at Wolli Creek, Sydney. Here at the positive thinking clinic, I see clients of all ages.

I see individuals, couples, families, and small groups. I conduct psychotherapy and use a variety of modalities delivered through counselling techniques and hypnotherapy.

I am a professional counsellor a clinical hypnotherapist and strategic psychotherapist. I’m an early childhood teacher and an NLP master practitioner.

To learn more about what I do and what I offer, visit my website www.posititivethinkingclinic.com.au. The easiest way to connect with me on social media is to search my name. Amanda Dounis or my clinic, positive thinking clinic. You may also access my social media at the bottom of my web site.

I am the author of my coping skills handbook aimed at kids 8 to 12 years of age. I have also turned this into an online course.

I have a range of podcasts that can be found on amandadounis.podbean.com In addition to the positive thinking clinic I am the owner of four early learning centers. I am passionate about quality care and emotional wellness of all ages. I believe we set the foundation for emotional wellness from a very young age.

My early learning centers are licensed as positive living skills services. I also have an emotional wellness & kids Facebook group.

One of my greatest hobbies is learning. I think I am always enrolled in a variety of courses no matter how small. I enjoy adding to my skill set as an integrated therapist. I learn diverse skills and select the best fit for any situation.

If you wonder if I have any other hobbies I am also into fitness.

I have run a number of marathons including two ultra marathons.

So that’s me in a nutshell. If you wanted to get in touch you can use the contact form on my website positivethinkingclinic.com.au I would love to hear from you.

Signing out and moving forward, you’re listening to Amanda Dounis.

Joining us today is Tony Langford from TLC [Tony Langford counselling] and she is a Gymea based counselling and clinical supervision service. She offers face to face, and zoom counselling, and supervision, to individuals couples families and groups.

TonI’s passion is relationship problems and issues. She likes educating people to understand what the other person is saying and not to put their feelings or their filters and perspectives on what they think that they are hearing.

The key to a good or even great communication is not to be a good talker. Toni says it is to be a good or even greater listener.

Since 2005 Toni has been helping people deal with their day to day lives, supporting them to find better ways of communicating.

She has also run emotional eating workshops through most of southern Sydney’s curves women’s health centres, as well as providing clinical supervision and mentoring for counsellors and hypnotherapists, either face to face, zoom, or groups.

Communication starts with understanding ourselves first says Toni.

If we can’t understand or identify with what we want, how can anyone else understand us. Once we have that clarity, understanding what other people are saying is the next step. Communication is a gift not a weapon. Yet we are all guilty of using it to hurt and to wound, simplifying and debunking how we all communicate. And yes there will be generalizations. Communication is the base of any good relationship especially the one with ourselves.

It’s not rocket science says Toni. If a dog and cat can happily live together then why can’t two people of the same species do the same? Why can’t they get along without fighting?

As a counsellor, Toni’s role is to become redundant once someone has reconnected with their own internal strengths and coping strategies. Then she says she should no longer be needed when they have struggles in the future. They now have plans and skills to use. Instead of having to involve others.

You can find out more about Toni Langford on www.TLCounselling.com.au

She does face to face sessions at Gymea. You can locate her at twitter and Facebook: TLC Tony Langford counselling.

She’s done a Diploma of holistic counselling, Bachelor degree in counselling, clinical supervision qualifications, and training and assessment qualifications. I hope you enjoy today’s episode.

For the purpose of accuracy, the you tube video will need to be watched. I have decided not to code who says what, that part is not important, rather the conversation and what it brings is what’s more useful to some readers. Enjoy.

Hi this is Amanda Dounis from the positive thinking clinic. I’m going to be speaking with Toni Langford today about loss of identity. So we’re going to get straight into the topic and right at the end if you want to know more about me or Tony we will explain to you our Web sites how to reach us and any information that you need to know about us.

Tony thank you for joining us again today. My pleasure.

So Tony what we’re going to speak out about today’s losing identity of one’s self in a relationship and how critical that can actually be and some people actually don’t realize that they in a relationship and all of a sudden they can actually say I don’t know who I actually am anymore and I feel like I’ve lost my identity or at least if they don’t say one of their friends may say it was an outsider may notice that about them.

What have you experienced in your clinic with loss of identity. I suppose that you know one of the big things is the social norm that this is my bed the half my other half. And that really gets up my nose because you know I’m an entire person myself. And I don’t need anybody else to complete me. I think it’s important that we have a good awareness of who we are our self-worth our value self-esteem all those sorts of things.

And it’s not only what happens when you’re a complete person. I try to know that about you. Well what happens when someone complete enters our relationship and loses their identity was there in that relationship that happens that we you know it can. Normally it’s not an instant thing it’s it’s an erosion if you’d like to think about it.

First of all we have to look at where identity comes from An identity is given to us by our parents. You know if we’re the good girl the bad boy that you know the smart one the dumb one the naughty one the black sheep that identity is actually given to us we’re not. Wait wait we don’t have an identity outside our family unit to start with. So it’s important to look at where we started losing our sense of who we are.

You know the social norm is that you know we’re not complete until we’re in a relationship which is really sad because then put that expectation and pressure on a very fragile external referent. So if you’re right. I’m right. If you’re not all. What did I do wrong. As we know it was codependent a people pleaser is another way of putting it.

And it’s it’s almost like they a prostitute themselves or sacrifice .. themselves on the altar of a relationship to make the other person happy. And you know it can come in very many guises one can be through domestic violence when a partner will look at their partner and go look them up and then you’re not wearing that. Are you. And that slowly chips away at your own core beliefs and internal narratives.

It can also when women have children and it’s actually even I’ve got some friends that are same sex and they have they’ve been married for 15 years and he one husband one of the children. So they’ve got three boys and even one of the husbands has taken on that female role as of as as as you know as as a woman that’s had children.

When you tell people you’re pregnant people stop looking at your face and start looking at your belly. They talk to the belly, strangers will come and touch the belly and then it’s almost like we as the host of the alien creature we start to become transparent and it gets worse and worse and then when we finally you know we give birth people then associate you with the name of the child oh your Joey’s mom your Freddy’s father and mother or in the thing of my friends it is a father and our identity is linked with the child.

And and it just gets worse and worse and worse. Whereas the the male in the relationship or the male figure there’s still Pete or Joe or whoever it is and their identity still stands alone. And you know so women can sort of almost go into it. What I think of is sleeping beauty. And then when you come into perimenopause. Women start to almost wake up and go Who the hell am I.

I’m not ironing his knickers anymore and they start rebelling and that’s when women will start to fight to define their own self-worth and identity. So it’s a very insidious and slow erosion Yeah. So my you know if you put a painting in the sun it’ll slowly fade.

Yeah that’s right I agree there and because you’re speaking of women who are pregnant and like I’ve mentioned in other episodes I’m in child care so I have watched women go through the second pregnancy and therefore can’t get back into the workforce which let’s just agree that working and being responsible and having your own duties to do helps keep secure your self identity.

But once you have to sacrifice and give that up because you have one child and then you have another and then you become the housewife. Nothing wrong with being a housewife but when you’re just the housewife and not an individual person as well or you become so and so’s wife or so and so’s husband and you lose your identity you really become in conflict with yourself and you can experience all sorts of different moods depression and anxiety anger confusion there’s all these things that come with that and other people can notice this too but if that also happens not just as a loss of one’s self but.

Even people who just find themselves in brand new relationships and they enter the relationships as to individual people with their own identities and all of a sudden they. Try as much as possible to become one that they don’t know how to be apart anymore. That is the first sign of losing identity. So if it can happen through the other extreme lack of extreme happiness as well. And friends can notice this.

For example you may say oh I’m not going to come out with you cause I’m going to be with her or I’m gonna be with him. That’s not a good sign. If it’s done regularly and you aren’t giving up other things because then you lose the ability and the confidence to do things for yourself. You lose the identity that you have because you think I can’t do this without her or contradict without him or I’ll ask him what he thinks wrong ask her what she thinks.

And again it’s not about us. It’s about asking permission and I like what you just said. There are a couple of minutes ago and it’s a factor of concern for me is when someone says I’m just a secretary I’m just so straight away. They sort of like trying to hide and they’re being dismissive of who they are and what they do and if you think about you know when we go to a party or when before Covid and we used to go out to pubs and clubs people would ask you name and then the next thing they ask you is what do you do.

So what we doing in society is it is almost all our self-worth worth and there’s a really good book that I was given many many years ago and it’s called the beach rules and it’s only a small book and what I got out of it was that you know if you think about when we were growing up you know little girls had their dolls or whatever little boys had you know cowboys and Indians and guns and all that sort of stuff.

Then we got a little bit older and then we got into sports or external activities and then we went out. And there was all the hormones started. So. Men or boys continued with their external passions their sports where women and their friends and had a relationship. Women on the other hand almost even though we multitask really well we can’t. We can only have one passion in our life. Most of us so the relationship becomes a passion.

They drop their sports they drop their friendships. Then if the relationship doesn’t work out they turn back to their friends and pick up the sports again. So there’s very few and I’m generalizing a great to the few individuals that I see that aren’t like that female type generalizing a professional sports people or people that have a passion like horse riders so you as a as a runner.

People that have an external passion outside their relationship tend to have more healthy and longer lasting relationships and have a voice in that relationship than the person that only has their relationship is a passion. And that’s when their identity is. It’s almost like you’re hot your relationship is the whole you put your identity on. Whereas if you have an external passion and I don’t mean a sexual one better horses you know but rowing whatever it is that’s external.

It gives you something new to being bring into a relationship and that keeps things much healthier. It’s really nice when within a relationship that you keep your hobbies all you create radio hobbies for yourself. And women traditionally the or the female traditionally doesn’t. If if it’s a heterosexual relationship and the male is more female brain wired and the woman is more male brain why because it is about male and female brain wiring.

And there’s one really easy way to tell so if you look at my hand see how my ring finger is longer than my point a finger that means I had more testosterone in utero I’m I’m. I’m all woman however I’m really. What am I. That you had a little bit more testosterone in utero you throw as well. People like myself are really good at flat packs women that read match.

We might turn it upside down but we’re really good at reading maps. We’ve got very good spatial awareness. We can say you’re not going to fit that chair through that door where that’s a very male brain wired skill set. A lot of women who don’t have the longer ring finger. And it’s on both hands don’t have they have more more we call soft skills those you know the nurture a mailing your life that’s quite sensitive and has you know wants to be a preschool teacher or isn’t gay but heterosexual and there’s no judgment about because this isn’t about.

Sexuality. It’s about brain wiring. Very very different. So. So if you’ve got a male in your life that is quite sensitive that’s quite you know into those soft skills of nurturing. You might find that he had less testosterone he’s still a man less testosterone still probably heterosexual more female brain while I think Christine I want to hand him off with that Christine. Oh it’s science it’s actually science.

There was a really good show I watched. Might have been a Michael Mosley one that the English doctor and and they actually did this and that was on ABC saying they did this be researching the stuff in the U.K. and they got all these people that you know like men that were in female roles at school teachers women in male roles that mechanics or engineers those hard mathematicians which is a very male dominated industry.

And then they they actually got them to do it a flat pack and then they got to do it and then they did the science of the ring finger being longer shows more testosterone in utero even though when we can see where all female and then the well it’s the jury’s out on who decides whether you’re male or female it used to be the male now then using that but yeah that is hard science.

So I’m just saying. So for our listeners out there who can actually connect with what we’re talking about today and saying Okay I feel like I’ve lost a little bit of my identity or I’m not whatever it is or hey I don’t want to fall into that category. Excuse me I’m losing my identity. So what tips can we say to them.

My very first tip is keep a hobby or create a hobby. Keep socializing. You make the relationship. What was that. Any hobby external to the relationship. And also keep friends that are mutually because men will always have been schoolmates or whatever. Whereas women don’t traditionally have a lot of long term like you know childhood friendships.

But it’s also you know one of the first things to look at if I can remember this myself when I used to be a co-dependent. I was in a video store with my ex and the kids were there and he said Oh I wanted to get this and it was some yellow blood and guts car racing crack debut in a movie. And the kids wanted to get a movie as well but instead of standing there. And no one asked me what do you want Toni.

So I sulk for hours because no one asked me. I didn’t feel like I had the voice and I might be rejected if I said I’m not watching that shit. So I sit and sulk for three hours go back like you know it’s just not made poor by the poor pockets that I had to put up with me. So it’s about recognizing if you start to not use your voice. Another really easy example to think about is you know in a normal life when everybody’s out at work and you know you speak to your partner during the day and they say and you say what are you going to do for lunch and he says I’m not I don’t.

Oh well I’m going to have try. And then he comes home and you say what do you want for dinner and he says oh want tie and you go oh. And you start sulking because he didn’t remember that you had time but instead of saying going into that soak it so well I had time for lunch. So how about we go to Caringbah you can get try it there and I can get Italian across the road and then we’ll break at home. So it’s being able to have use your voice and feel and know that you’re not going to be rejected because you have an opinion as well.

Yeah that’s exactly right. And it’s okay to use your voice and technically you not to agree because if anything if can I tell not that’s got nothing to do with your identity that’s got to do with communication. Well it’s it is actually about identity because if someone doesn’t have a strong belief in their own self worth and they hang themselves like keeping their identity onto the relationship then it’s the comedian’s vacation is going to be poor and dysfunctional because it’s only one person with a voice in the relationship.

So yeah it actually comes back to if you don’t feel seen and heard then you won’t use your voice. So again you you start becoming more and more transparent and so communication is extremely important. Even if you have feel that you’ve lost your identity you do need to practice getting back to learning effective communication styles which are always the best way to travel ease with assertive communication because.

Rather than being passive or aggressive being assertive at all times is the right pathway to do it. And if if someone’s going to communicate back with you correctly it’s actually their problem it’s not yours as long as you’ve done your part and you do it assertively and there’s resources to learn how to communicate assertively. So I guess with loss of identity it’s it comes right around it’s a lot of factors.

There’s only one reason there’s multiple reasons Yeah because it’s multiple reasons why you feel you’ve lost that to begin with. You may not realize that they’ve lost it and to they transparent and they don’t feel seen or heard and there’s in my book there’s the crappy chop remember the crappy chop. So how that works is that as the primary caregiver the family will you know put dinner out.

And this piece of pie or the bird sausage or the crappy chop ends up on the plate and everybody else gets a really nice piece of whatever is. But you always end up with the crappy beat and what that does. Very cogently very insidiously it teaches everybody in the family that you’re less than side if there’s enough ice cream for four people but there’s five of you either no one gets it or everybody gets a little bit less.

It’s about being equal to everybody you know and saying well no you know I do this we all do this with my family when they were younger the crappy chop went round alphabetically. So you know it. No not the crappy chop because I really like the big chops but the burnt sausages that went round two. You know it’s a Oh but I haven’t lost weight yet but he had it the week before.

So it’s your turn and making a game out of it instead of you know constantly chipping away at your identity because we’re taught the society teaches us that the primary care giver of the family whoever it is mother father grandmother whoever is the one that sacrifices everything and they say it is part of that sacrifice. That’s right.

What if we shift things a little bit and we say okay what if we notice that. One of our friends okay. He or she seems like they’re losing a little bit of their self identity. What can we as outsiders friends family whatever we are what can we do to help this person I have a conversation.

Have a conversation. What if it’s like I remember you used to love netball. I remember you used to like such and such. And you know if you use that analogy of you know on a plane if the mass if a mass falls out of the ceiling put it on yourself first we’re going back to the what I’ve talked about in several of our podcasts about we are all Visa debit cards especially women. We can’t give unless we put some stuff in. So you know you can’t be the best mama or caregiver that you can be if you are emotionally depleted.

So it’s that I mean the ability to go to the gym or whatever that self care. One of the biggest things is saying no you know I don’t know one mother that I’ve made hundreds thousands on probably but has you know from the age of you know 0 2 you know maybe 7 years old that they’ve been able to have a have a toilet break in private you know when the kids add up to about seven or eight that you know if you because the door and a kid it’s like pounding on the door Mom where are my socks Mom where are you.

So it’s about being able to use that really strong word of No. And there was something you said before about assertive communication and I agree. The only problem is that men mainly men consider women that are assertive as bold break as or aggressive. So it’s about finding the softness and not the femininity but the softness of. No no no it’s no.

And no that that no is going to be respected because you’ve got to respect that. No first I teach the world how to treat me by the way I treat myself. If I say no I don’t get asked a second is not that I get asked a second. I don’t get a question about my decision. The books about being confident. If you say yes you are confident in your yes don’t say yes and then beat yourself up and have internal tantrums and then sulk because no one noticed you really didn’t want to do it.

And that’s a good identity and that that confidence is that it’s a it’s a very important aspect because someone who’s lost their self identity whether they like it or not. They have a lack of confidence. So I guess that support networks we can be mindful of this and if we see that someone is struggling with their own self-worth their own self identity sometimes they feel they don’t deserve to have a say or have a right as they can blended themselves so far into or invested themselves so far into one person that they have lost their unique individuality.

And I think I support people we because it’s not very easy for someone on the other side. OK. OK. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll try and find myself identity again what we need to do is support people who say well how about we go for a walk because that way it detaches them and gives them responsibility to do something. Let’s get to the shot so let’s get a cup of coffee.

Let’s go watch a movie or let’s go to the football because you find things like these things like you can you know with all that you know like the St George in southern .. community college you can do a little course you know like whether it’s you know hand cream making or soap making these things that you can do you can invite a friend to Oh look I found this really nice course or you know live life get active which is a free fitness group that is available that a lot of the counselors pay for.

So if you go into livelifegetactive.com there’s all these five days a week outside school holidays where you can go and do a yoga class or a boxing class or .. all sorts of stuff where you can meet with my like minded people and you can start figuring out. Most people don’t realize they’re in that place because it’s been that slow erosion and you know if someone had said to me back then you know you know.

Come on you’ve got to figure out who you are it’s like I know who I am and I would have got really offended and probably never spoken to that person again. So it’s a softly softly It’s a ways to really like such and such. Or it started doing this I really love it if you came along. Oh I don’t have time. Well let me help you find the time and sometimes you have got to be a guy. We’ve got to be Invitational not too confrontational with our friends because you know there but for the grace of God Buddha the universe go I Yeah that’s exactly right.

I was just thinking as you were saying that it’s not just a loss of identity within a relationship or just because you had kids. But what about the people who create a relationship with their work and therefore it’s just them and their job and therefore they give up their hobbies. They don’t know how to socialize with other people again. That too is a loss of identity because all they know is what work they have to do and that’s the anything that becomes important for them and to prevent this.

Do you know what that is. It’s actually a good looking addiction workaholism. It’s actually it’s actually an addiction. So it’s the same as drugs alcohol sex shopping however old .. is considered a good looking addiction. What if they’re not addicted to it.

What if an outside addiction is a crazy … if they would if they were there would their life revolves around work and they work every hour of the day. It’s an addiction what it for them it’s an escape. It’s an addiction. Alcohol is an escape. It’s an addiction. Drugs are an escape. It’s an addiction. Sex is an escape. It can be an addiction.

Shopping can be an escape. It’s an addiction. So it might be semantics to you however workaholism anything with an ism working all the time and only thinking about work is a one trick pony and it’s an addiction. I have a different view on not. I’m not an ordinary guy like it. Yeah with me I’m really thinking. And if because I have experienced or witnessed that.

It doesn’t fit that when it comes to lots of identity to work I think there’s clear principles as to what’s addictive what’s not work can be addictive. Yes because of the outcomes that you get and they thrive. And I want to go back for more so it’s like they’re drunk and they feel. They go to work. They achieve oxidative cycle. But what if they’re using it to hide and they’re not addicted to it.

So it may not work. They find other ways to hide. So addiction is something that is detrimental to your your your socializing. You know that you can’t like an alcoholic will only have what like it is. Think about that one trick Toni. So if all you do all day every days is work and think about work and then on weekends you’re thinking about work and you don’t socialize then it’s actually an addiction if it interferes with having a good so.

Because we we are social creatures we are meant to live in society not in isolation. So you only get so if someone’s working all the time and all they can talk about is work it’s about okay. That’s a factor of concern and many start looking at because in … women up away are human being, men are human being.

So their identity is built on providing for their family and that’s how they show love. So if that’s what you’re talking about it’s the it’s different… I’m talking about people that go to work at 5:00 o’clock in the morning and is still there at 9:00 o’clock at night. And other people could do the job. They choose to just stay there because that’s that’s just it’s like that heat that beats yes. That’s sort sad.

That’s yes that’s that’s that’s a fix. Look I know you and I we can work we can work all day every day. And it’s not an addiction and we both have our identities. I remember a time where I struggled with identity and exactly what you said at the beginning. I had just had a kid. I had removed muscle from full time work so I had what was it needed and I didn’t have the responsibilities and I had to switch roles. Mind you I’m in childcare.

So I’ll look after everyone else’s kids and there I was alone with my kids and I didn’t know it at the time. But I struggled at that one and then another kid straight away. But my friends actually noticed that. That’s a good friend. Friend’s, because they’re in child care too.

So they noticed that I wasn’t socializing really like, I was not knowing… what I’d let them make the decision for the child care center like I was just wasn’t it was that bad.

Yeah but they came and they forced their way into my face into my house and got me just into a natural with them again. So I was lucky. That’s what’s important that people notice others when this is happening or notice themselves or even notice your partner what you say OK we’ve done absolutely everything together. Let’s bring someone else or let’s you know you go there I’ll go here or or whatever or I’ll leave early if it’s as simple as that to break the pattern of blending with someone if you feel you’re losing your identity.

You remember … calling. So. It’s that really toxic enmeshed like a fishing fishing net and it’s all knotted together and when if you don’t know where you finish and someone else starts and lets you know that can be really a little yucky icky. So sometimes they even suggest that you’ve got somewhere to go. It’s OK if you leave after him or after her.

It’s just a small little differences that give you your own independence because now we’re not advocating that oh we shouldn’t be together all the time. We’re talking about when one person loses their self identity then they lose the confidence they lose their happiness they become lonely all these other tracks and they emerge.

They put too much pressure and expectation on the relationship and on their partner because if they don’t feel happy then they blame their partner because their partner likes the facial or you know model flying drones or whatever. You know we all need to bring some passion some external information that we can talk about other than you know that kids are drawn all over the furniture again or you know it’s been nice you know we need to be out to bring up other interests.

And I’m not talking about swingers clubs or bondage or anything like that. So that’s what they want to do. It’s about having bringing other interests into the dynamic of the relationship. You know that your identity isn’t attached to the back of the other person and where they go you’ve got to go as like a little caboose. And so when someone comes into my clinic and there he and that’s one of their issues.

Quite often I’ve discovered that they can’t remember a time when it first started or they started losing their identity. So what I what I like to do with these have the conversation and what were you like at the site. What were you like at that age get them to tell his story of when they played sport when playing music when they should you enjoy reading what they’ve go horse riding or when they’d go to the beach.

Because all these out when they had their identity just to show that Oh you do have identity you’ve just lost your way right now. So we kind of simplify it for them so that they don’t feel overwhelmed and feel that I’ll never be the same again. Well you won’t be the same but you’ll find your identity and you’ll be your own individual person again. And you bring you’re happy healthy relationship. And I think that’s a really good point because it saddens me when people say I wish I was like it when I was 16 or whatever.

And it’s it’s really sad because when we were 16 we’re all numb nuts. So I’d rather not be that that person that couldn’t find they’ve been on with both hands and a flashlight. I’d rather be someone that evolves. And it doesn’t matter what you what you know whether you have a religious faith or whether you’re a spirit you know you have a spiritual faith or you know that the squeezy Penguin is your face you know all the the that in the philosophies in the world say basically you know do it damn it damn be a better person when you cried than when you started.

So you know we’re all it’s all about big evolving and always actually had a group supervision session today. Just me grab my folder and there was that we’re talking about border actually we’re talking about in a field in a children in a child workshops some things and one of the biggest one of the tenets of Buddhism is to the life work is to heal the inner child’s wounds which is about identity.

You know so if you ask ask clients you know in your family who were you what. You know we all know we all have a role in our family. What role did you have and that can help you understand where they are. How functional their identities. And also if someone was always spoilt then they have. So I just had a vision of Donald Trump that that self belief all they can do no wrong.

Anything that comes out of their mouths are pearls of wisdom. Yeah yeah. So it’s it’s given to it. It actually starts at the breast. That’s really interesting and that’s really useful to know as well. Hypnotherapy is a really good way to give people the confidence. What I’m up to work with confidence.

But I love to work with courage so it’s in my sessions all I like to do some tasking and tasking can be quite difficult for people who are at the low level where they’ve lost their self identity but I feel as strong about it as what you want either countries. Clearly as you and I said are quite vulnerable and in need of great support and so reuse hypnotherapy so that we can use their own resources to state so they can visualize what life would look like.

There are two oppression off them selves even in the future. Having that resource straight and seeing them on the right. OK. What did I do to get them. And I come up with the right solutions. Because you don’t turn up in the night at an airport with a passport and some money in your pocket and go Oh where am I gonna go today. It’s about having clarity about the destination and then how.

What little steps can you do to stop that journey of one self discovery. And I think if people can get the clarity around self discovery and be curious instead of judge mental about how they got where they are. So because I think one of the most important things is to recognize how you got where you are. So you know this you know the feelings of what happens. So if you feel like that again oh warning warning got to stop.

I lost my identity last time. So being aware of how this is all about choice you know. Yeah. If someone looked at my belly and goes oh you know you got a Barbie on hee hee. So it’s about choice. We can call people on that crap. Those social norms that we allow them to get away with it. This is my other half. This is my better half. I’m so much better with him or her.

My life didn’t start to like came along. You complete me. What. Those are the factors that concern me. If I’ve got people in my life to at all Hooley dooley I question it always at my next turn you off topic but you brought it to my attention and I said I know. A party once and during the speeches the girl said you know I always hear people say about the continent.

You complete me. And she said to him you completely finish me off. It was so humorous. I mean is just a loving couple and all. But it’s true. I believe we should all because if you complete me. You know what. You let it all go all the codependent songs you know. If you leave me can I come to you. Currently living is without you. That sort of stuff.

It’s really worries me because you’re expecting someone else to make you feel good about you. That’s not anybody’s job but so yeah absolutely. That’s so true I guess. Is there anything else that we need to cover. I think we’ve covered everything when it comes to identity. I’m sure over the next period of time we’ll come up with something else. I’m sure that your listeners.

So I hope that today’s listeners actually feel connected with what we said or can add to what we said or use any of our points as a reassurance or a means of comfort or or a new tip or deep will themselves or a way to look out for others point to their own journey of self discovery. I think one thing and think.

But it makes them think differently than our job is done. Yep that’s right. And it’s always important to love ourselves respect ourselves put ourselves first. Also on that note thank you so much tourney for all of your wise input only scientists. Maybe you’re always so colorful with your language and your stories and I’m very grateful. All right so I’ll see you next time. Goodbye everybody. Okay bye.