fbpx

I knew a Narcissist

Have you ever heard the words Narcissistic Abuse?

So the story goes or shall I say starts…

7 years ago I was in a relationship with someone, who I thought at the time will be my forever and ever. Over the period of the five year relationship I became fragile and a shell of the girl I use to be.

I became a mirrored reflection of what he wanted, a walking checklist. After a massive argument and the manipulation that I was the fault to his reaction, I sat and started typing what I was feeling.

I typed the triggers of the emotional pollution that I felt. The feeling of walking on eggshells, constantly being belittled, blamed and the silent treatment. And there it was in big bold writing Narcissistic Abuse.

Everything that was pinpointed with in the article I read, highlighted the monster I was with. I read over and over till my brain consumed all the information.

Although times passed and today I don’t see that person as a monstrous human being, but rather an insecure little boy trapped into an adults body. But I couldn’t help him, or even get him merely to understand that his actions where hurting me.

Two years have passed, the drought of sorrow and despair has dried up into dust and flown into the thin air. I’ve entered a new chapter of my life of broken heart recovery. I use to lay on the floor and cry till one day I had no more tears to cry. The very last Kleenex box of tissues all used and stained with tears.

Now let’s fast forward to today, I sit here on a balcony holding a glass of rose and reminisce on the things I’ve done and where I am today.

Right now, I’m in Melbourne sitting on the balcony on the 5th floor of the Olsen watching the clouds and stars above. As I look across an apartment block from me, I stare into the windows of other peoples lives and wonder what is behind those four walls.

Their is a couple standing on the balcony chatting away and holding a cigarette each in their hands, then the second couple in the window below sitting apart from one another which seem to be too busy, keeping up with work priorities on their devices or maybe checking their social media. And then their is the window straight across with one man roaming around making his dinner and then slouching right into the coach.

Now who am I to judge, I’m just staring and wondering. Who am I to judge any of these people for the matter of fact,
perhaps the man making dinner would’ve come across to me being lonely two years ago. But now sitting across in the next apartment block, I sit happy, creating memories. I’m doing the very things I wanted to do along time ago. It’s a vicious cycle that keeps playing on repeat.

I stayed because I was ashamed to turn to friends and tell them, I don’t have it all together. What was I going to say that the pretend smile is actually fake, and that I’m sick of trying to act as if I was ok or perhaps I have it altogether. When in fact I didn’t.

I lost myself and those closest to me. It was me, myself and I. I guess you get use to the constant selfish act of abuse and you start to believe you don’t deserve any better, till you break one day.

It took me a long time to be were I am today, and I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy. It’s been a long time actually since I cried about the hurt, pain and I wouldn’t say loss but what I’ve gained in return is a blessing in disguise.

I’ve gained the old me, the girl who enjoyed laughter and long beach runs.

The emotional pollution has been removed from my life, there’s no more walking on eggshells, watching what I say, belittling and most of all being isolated.

I write this blog to inform survivors, the journey wasn’t easy but rather painful. But as they say time heals, and eventually memories fade slowly and new memories are created.

Sometimes what breaks you, eventually makes you so much stronger.

A Survivor of narcissistic abuse ❤️

Martina Stojceska